Thursday, March 10, 2016


📸: Kellie Taylor

"We've all got scars as big as ours
A token for the pain we hide inside of us
Everyone's scared that somebody knows
You keep it inside, yeah, that's how it goes
If you've ever heard a beating heart
A rhythm for the songs we're too afraid to sing
Nobody here is perfectly fine
A delicate frame, a fragile design

If there's a hole in your heart
You gotta pull it together
It takes the courage to start
But now is better than never
It takes a push and a shove
Somehow it's never enough
And it's alarming how quick you could forget that

Nothing's bigger than love
All you need, all you need is love"

These past two months have been some of the hardest months of my life, but also some of the most rewarding. I have learned things about myself that I could have never even imagined before. The first thing I realized was, I am strong. I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. I literally went through hell and back to get to where I am right now. I have realized that my mental health isn't something that can be fixed but rather something that I will have to take care of constantly for the rest of my life. My mental health is part of who I am and managing it is a day to day thing; there are no quick fixes.

I'm still learning. I may think that I have a grasp on what I'm feeling and how I'm acting but I am constantly still learning things about myself and why I do the things I do. This is something that has been important to for me to not just know but to understand and be open to. I've had to learn that sometimes I can't do every single thing that I want to do RIGHT NOW. I need to slow down; not everything has to happen all at once. I have had to learn to pace myself and set realistic goals. If I don't do this I find that I constantly feel like I'm not good enough or that I can never get anything done. I never want to feel this way and it is up to me to make sure that I don't.

When I started this whole thing I decided that I was going to blog a little everyday just to update on how I was feeling. That lasted for...a whole week. While yes that first week was really rough it just got harder as time went on and I found more and more days going by that I just didn't write anything because it didn't seem important. In the end I bailed on blogging because my feelings scared me and it all just seemed so uninteresting. In hindsight though, I do wish I was able to see that it was my mind telling me this and it wasn't at all true. That's what your mind can do to you. It can literally make you feel and think things that aren't real. I'm lucky that I have people in my life who are willing to help me through those times and see what is true and what isn't.

So where am I now? I'm actually in a pretty good place. What was supposed to take one month took two but in the end we got the result that we wanted. I am so much happier than I have been in months and I am ready to take on the world. I'm still learning, I'm still trying to pace myself. I cannot do everything all at once and that's frustrating for me. I am not the person I was 10 years ago and I have be okay with that. This is me, this is my new normal. I'm still figuring things out but at least I'm happy while I do it.

Things get better, they really really do.