Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 - A Year In Review

Dear 2017,

I could sit here and write you a very bitter, very angry letter but I'm not going to do that - I actually already did that but it's not appropriate to share with the internet. I thought you would be the year that I figured myself out. The year that I got this disorder under control and finally got my life back. Instead it feels like little to no progress has been made. Slowly but surely my optimism has faded as the months have ticked by. Progress has been slow and it's hard to be okay with that. Slow and steady wins the race but when your life is on hold all you want to do is hurry up and get it together. Don't get me wrong 2017, I recognize what has happened to move me forward but I'm still nowhere near where I wanted, no hoped, I would be. But that's something you've taught me this year - expectations only set you up for disappointment.

2017, you were honestly the absolute worst year of my life. My life has quite literally fallen apart in every aspect and putting the pieces back together is something that will take years. 2017, You've made me feel the worst sort of loneliness. You took my happiness, my optimism, my joy. It's gone and I don't know if it'll ever come back like it was before. You put me in situations where I felt so utterly helpless and alone - where the only way out was not living at all. 2017, you took my hobbies and things that once brought me purpose. You made surviving the only thing possible, the only thing I could do. All things considered I'd say I did it pretty well but just living gets tiring. I don't want to just survive anymore.

Hey 2017, at least you've showed me who my true support system is. It's much smaller than previously thought, in fact I can count them on one hand. You've taken my family, my friends - my best friends. People who I've gone through the worst of things with, just gone. Relationships will never be the same. Family, friends, it's all a mess. You tore apart relationships that were the most important to me. You distanced me from the people who are supposed to love and support me unconditionally. There's no easy fix for this and I don't think anything will ever be the same again. It's gone and there's no getting it back, which is hard to come to terms with.

2017, you've taken and taken and yet somehow I've survived. I'm not sure how I became this person, in fact I don't even really know who this person is, but I do know I'm stronger than I ever knew. You've put people in my life that I never knew I needed. Lifelong friends who I wouldn't have met had you not taken everything from me. You've taught me a lot about myself. Things I've always needed to know and will help me as I move forward. 2017, the most important thing you taught me is that I have to do this myself. No one else can do this for me. At the end of the day the only person I can truly count on is me. I have to make this better for myself. If I don't want it then it's never going to happen. Well 2018, I want it. I want it more than anything else.

This is the year I live.



Friday, March 31, 2017


I can hardly believe that we're already almost done with three months of 2017. It seems like just yesterday it was New Years Eve and the idea of starting fresh was all anyone was talking about. Now that's died down and things have gone back to normal but I still haven't been writing on here. It's not because I don't have anything to say - I honestly just haven't had the time or energy to sit down and write about what has been going on. However, the other night a lovely friend stopped by my house with flowers and the loveliest of cards and as we sat talking for a couple of hours I realized just how much I've been keeping to myself lately. I have my family and a select few friends that I've let into my life on a daily basis but everyone else I've pushed away. I've let myself be isolated and stopped talking to anyone about what is going on and what I'm feeling. Now that I've had this realization I don't want to do it anymore. I need to share what's going on with me and be better about not isolating myself so much. So here I am taking the first step and writing about how I've been and where I'm at in my recovery process.

At the beginning of January I was admitted into an intensive outpatient program run through St. Luke's hospital. This turned out to actually be a partial hospitalization program which meant that I would spend five days a week 9am - 2pm at this treatment center for an unforeseen amount of time. For 6 weeks I faithfully attended treatment and I really liked it there. Don’t get me wrong it was a lot of hard work but I was learning a lot and seeing the benefits. During the time I was there my doctors were also messing with my meds and trying to stabilize me. This came with lots of bad side effects. I even ended up at the emergency room a few times because of it. My doctors and I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to be taken off of my main mood stabilizing medication (Lamictal) and put onto another (Lithium). Together we decided it would be safest if I checked into St. Luke’s hospital to do this. So March 2nd I checked in and I stayed at the hospital for 3 days in order to make the medication change. The experience was my no means horrible but it definitely is not something I’d want to ever do again. Since getting out I’ve still been trying to adjust to this new medication. The number one thing that it’s been doing to me is making me super sleepy. I can’t seem to wake up when I’m on it but with some recent adjustments I’m hopeful that maybe we’ve figured that out and things will get better.

I continue to remind myself that this is a journey, it’s not always going to be easy and it’s not always going to make sense, but it will be worth it. I’m still not 100% on board with this new medication, it does make me feel quite weird, but I’m hopeful that with time everything will straighten out. On Monday I start back up at the treatment center I was previously going to. It’s been nice to have a break but I have realized just how much being in treatment has helped me and I am very excited to go back and be able to learn even more. I also just want to say thank you. Thank you for your messages, letters, prayers, random visits and everything else you’ve done for me. It seems like whenever I have a rough day I receive a letter, text or something from someone that puts a smile on my face. You’ll never know how much the little things you’ve done have impacted me. I have felt and continue to feel your prayers on a daily basis. I could not do this without the support of everyone around me and I am eternally grateful for you all.

So that’s my update for now; this thing isn’t over yet - but I think we’re making progress.