Sunday, December 31, 2017

2017 - A Year In Review

Dear 2017,

I could sit here and write you a very bitter, very angry letter but I'm not going to do that - I actually already did that but it's not appropriate to share with the internet. I thought you would be the year that I figured myself out. The year that I got this disorder under control and finally got my life back. Instead it feels like little to no progress has been made. Slowly but surely my optimism has faded as the months have ticked by. Progress has been slow and it's hard to be okay with that. Slow and steady wins the race but when your life is on hold all you want to do is hurry up and get it together. Don't get me wrong 2017, I recognize what has happened to move me forward but I'm still nowhere near where I wanted, no hoped, I would be. But that's something you've taught me this year - expectations only set you up for disappointment.

2017, you were honestly the absolute worst year of my life. My life has quite literally fallen apart in every aspect and putting the pieces back together is something that will take years. 2017, You've made me feel the worst sort of loneliness. You took my happiness, my optimism, my joy. It's gone and I don't know if it'll ever come back like it was before. You put me in situations where I felt so utterly helpless and alone - where the only way out was not living at all. 2017, you took my hobbies and things that once brought me purpose. You made surviving the only thing possible, the only thing I could do. All things considered I'd say I did it pretty well but just living gets tiring. I don't want to just survive anymore.

Hey 2017, at least you've showed me who my true support system is. It's much smaller than previously thought, in fact I can count them on one hand. You've taken my family, my friends - my best friends. People who I've gone through the worst of things with, just gone. Relationships will never be the same. Family, friends, it's all a mess. You tore apart relationships that were the most important to me. You distanced me from the people who are supposed to love and support me unconditionally. There's no easy fix for this and I don't think anything will ever be the same again. It's gone and there's no getting it back, which is hard to come to terms with.

2017, you've taken and taken and yet somehow I've survived. I'm not sure how I became this person, in fact I don't even really know who this person is, but I do know I'm stronger than I ever knew. You've put people in my life that I never knew I needed. Lifelong friends who I wouldn't have met had you not taken everything from me. You've taught me a lot about myself. Things I've always needed to know and will help me as I move forward. 2017, the most important thing you taught me is that I have to do this myself. No one else can do this for me. At the end of the day the only person I can truly count on is me. I have to make this better for myself. If I don't want it then it's never going to happen. Well 2018, I want it. I want it more than anything else.

This is the year I live.